For those of you unaware, there is a large land mass that exists between Los Angeles and New York. In this area, we have divisions called “states”. One of those “states” is called Illinois. Here is it’s story.
Illinois’ Mafia boss, umm, I mean former Governor and Secretary of State, George H. Ryan, was just indicted on oh, about 22 counts. They included conspiracy, racketeering and tax fraud.
Apparently these so-called “crimes”, also known as “daily operations” to most politicians, are illegal to perform. I mean don’t they write the laws? You would think they would put in provisions so that they wouldn’t have to abide by them.
Mr. Ryan is up for the Nobel Peace Prize for emptying the Illinois Death Row. He has also now won the Blatti.net Assclown of the week award. Congratulations. Here’s to you Mr. Corrupt Politician.
Just what this world needs – more deer for me to smash into on the highway. Scientists have finally succeeded in cloning a deer.
With some skin cells, an egg, a surrogate mother and a few slaps to the face of the divine creator, Dewey the Deer was born. Marty Moose was unavailable for comment.
I just wonder how they can clone a deer, but refuse to attempt to clone Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe I should give a call to the Raelians.
We are receiving the highest level of threats since September 11th 2001. Of course they say that every time that the level is raised to orange.
Ridge warned of terrorist attacks more devastating than September 11th, and noted that aircraft are still the weapon of choice.
I am going to propose a radical new idea. I say we aggressively fund a new time machine project. Once completed, we send Bush back to ancient times. He beats the crap out of the prophet Muhammad and ends that pesky Islam once and for all!
Who would have thunk it? Good ol’ boy and segregation supporter Strom Thurmond was gettin’ it on with the help.
Essie Mae Washington-Williams came forward as Strom’s daughter after remaining silent for 78 years. Her mother was a maid in Strom’s parents house. After she was born, she was shipped off to Pennsylvania to live with an aunt and uncle.
I smell a TV miniseries about their reconciliation. “Essie Mae” will star Robert Duvall as Strom’s corpse and Gary Coleman an Essie Mae.
Ok, here it is. Joe Horn should be proud. He was the first. I am sure I will set up voting for this award, or make a “Hall of Shame” with all the weekly winners or something like that. This is likely to occur sometime before 2010.
If you would like to throw in your two cents on how this should be handled, email assclown@blatti.net.
If you would like to see a pictures of people puking, click here.
Just when you thought showboating and excessive celebration couldn’t get any dumber, Joe Horn steps in. Personally, I am glad. Terell Owens just wasn’t annoying enough for me.
After Horn’s second of four touchdowns, a teamate grabbed a cell phone out of the goal post padding and handed it to Horn, who proceeded to make a call. I would like to present you with the “Assclown of the Week” award. I will get to work on the logo.
Everyone’s favorite wacky dictator was captured over the weekend. He was found in a “spider hole” nearby his home town of Tikrit. Saddam, or “Larry” as his friends call him, had US $750,000, a pistol and 2 AK-47’s with him. He also had an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt and half a pack of Juicy Fruit.
So we find this asshat, and what does he do? He says, “I am the president of Iraq and I want to negotiate.” Riiiiiiiight. Good luck with that.
All I know is that we, er they – yeah they, better try and execute this sack of crap quick. You know his buddies will be trying to “negotiate” his release anyway they can.
On Monday, everyone’s favorite TV father figure, Ozzy Osbourne, crashed a 4 wheeler on the grounds of his British estate.
He broke 8 ribs, fractured a vertebrae in his neck, and broke his left collarbone. The collarbone required surgery to reconstruct it and prevent it from resting on a major blood vessel and cutting off the blood supply to his arm.
Dr. Dick Jack (you heard me right) said he was “stable and comfortable” (a.k.a. on a shitload of pills) as of Tuesday. Hopefully he will be back to stain the airwaves with his crappy show soon. I think this deserves another comeback tour as well!
In a shocking development, Michael Jackson was actually unable to buy his way out of felony charges! (I told him to pad the Neverland Ranch payoff fund but no one ever listens to me)
Seven counts of child molestation, 2 counts of administering an intoxicating agent for the purpose of committing a felony, and one count of impersonating a human being.
Jackson’s attorney, Mark “I Sold My Soul to the Dark Ruler” Geragos, is convinced that the “vicious lies” are “untrue” and “motivated by pure greed”. I have to trust him on this one. Who would better know motivation by pure greed?
Yesterday the Supreme Court decided to allow Rosa Parks to sue Outkast. She had initially lost in federal court.
Parks says that OutKast defamed her as well as violated her trademark and publicity rights. All of this fuss is over OutKast’s song entitled Rosa Parks. Besides the fact the song bears her name, and a single line in the hook refers to “the back of the bus”, the song really has nothing to do with Parks or her life.
Frivolous lawsuit? Yes. Waste of time and money? Yes. Are we all dumber for having to hear about it? Yes. OutKast – feel free to mention blatti.net on your next album.
