Contrary to their high moral character and position in the community as role models, Bobby Brown and Martin Lawrence are in trouble with the law.

I didn’t actually read the articles, but I will gladly wager that these obvious injustices to Mr. Brown and Mr. Lawrence have to deal with drugs, beating women, or both. If you want to know the details, click here and here.

Oh yeah, now I remember. That was that fat guy who had that crappy talk show for a few months.

I’m sure all of you know that Dubya is threatening to strike down all this rainbow triangle marriage gaiety with a constitutional amendment. Well not if Rosie O’Donnell has something to say about it, and to no ones surprise, she does. She has come out of her cave to marry her girlfriend.

I mean I agree that gay people should be allowed to get married, but is it worth the cost? I’m sorry, but if media overexposure so extreme is necessary that we allow Rosie O’Donnell to put in her two cents, it is just not worth it.

Let’s hope she doesn’t see her shadow and returns to her Hostess induced coma.

A while back, there was an Apple commercial that featured a little boy wearing an iPod, singing Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”. Well apparently they never got permission from Eminem to use his song.

Eminem is now suing Apple. Yes, the same Apple that pays him tons of money every year for song downloads from their iTunes Music Store.

Eminem has never endorsed any commercial product, but of course now that there is a law suit, he says it would have cost Apple more than $10 million to get that endorsement.

I hate to say it, but Apple is going to get hosed on this one. Eminem is right <cringe>. However, this is even more evidence of what a douche Eminem is. Well played douche, well played.

We have finally invaded everyone’s favorite French colony, Haiti. The United states has sent a 50 man marine force to aid in the security of the U.S. Embassy in Port-Au-Prince.

Since February 5th, Haitian rebels have been taking over the country city by city. The Rebels claim corruption in the government, and are demanding new elections.

Why don’t we send Howard Dean down there? He can play Mr. President with his own little insignificant country! Hey Democrats need responsibilities too.

Dean is done. You heard it here last. After coming in third in Wisconsin, Howie D. decided to call it quits. Dean was made famous by his Iowa caucuses concession speech where he screamed like a raving lunatic. (Check out deangoesnuts for some quality parodies)

Dean’s decision cuts list of possible candidates to two, John Kerry and John Edwards. I would list the others, but they have no chance so who really cares anyway.

Clinging to the final seconds of her fame, Diana Ross was found guilty of DUI yesterday. She phoned into the Arizona court for the hearing and pleaded no contest to the DUI charge. Since when can you “phone in” to your own trial?

She was originally charged with DUI, driving with a BAC (blood alcohol content) of .08 or more, and EXTREME DUI (sounds like a new TLC show) or driving with a BAC of 0.15 or more, but the other charges were dropped.

She was sentenced to 48 hours in jail. Come on honey. I mean how much money do you have to spend to stay out of jail on a DUI. I think you need a new lawyer.

There is this reporter in Kansas City Missouri. He is awesome. He decided to do a story on internet predators, who I believe are among the lowest forms of life. He was posing as a 14 year old girl.

Your average baiter, once the predator was hooked, would simply verbally assault these weirdos. This guy took it a step further. He invited them over to what they thought was the little girls house. When they showed up, he greeted them with a camera. Now he is putting their faces on the news.

Of course one of the predators has already filed a lawsuit and has received a temporary restraining order preventing the footage from airing. Apparently child molesters don’t like us to know who they are. I think this is absolute horseshit. By taking it from the level of a chat room to showing up at a house, you show definite intent. He should have greeted them with a gun and made the world a better place.

Some assclown (Lauman) was complaining that there hasn’t been an X vs. Y posting (see Battle of the Moore’s or Battle of the Dursts) in a while. I will show you. I bring you the 2004 Blatti.net Jackson Showdown!

Ten will play, but only one will win. The format is simple. Competitors will face off head-to-head and be judged on how they fare in a certain number of categories. The one who is judged superior in the most categories wins! Players will compete in a single elimination bracket over the next few weeks.

Good luck to all the competitors!

L.A. Lakers Coach Phil Jackson
Lord of the Rings Director Peter Jackson
President Andrew Jackson
General Stonewall Jackson
??? Michael Jackson
American Idol Judge Randy Jackson
Actor Samuel L. Jackson
Reverend Jesse Jackson
Former Athlete Bo Jackson
Entertainer Janet Jackson

Blatti.net veteran Britney Spears is in the news again.

A British tabloid printed an article that accused Britney of renting a hotel room under a fake name. While she was there, she allegedly watched 2 pornographic films, “Sex Truck” and “Double-D Housewife” with her girlfriends. Britney denies these accusations and is threatening to sue the tabloid.

First of all, we all know that Britney is a role model for young girls everywhere. Now would a role model rent porno tapes and watch them with her friends? I don’t think so.

On the other hand we also know that the news media (especially tabloids) always conduct proper research and would never print anything that was untrue. This can only mean one thing.

Armageddon is upon us. Please meet me at the Altar of Doom at midnight. Don’t forget your pitchfork. (you know who you are) Punch and pie will be served.