I have been MIA here for a bit because I have been working on Jason’s site, thecraftyasian.com.

It’s all set up now, except for one problem. We need some fortunes for the fortune cookie. When you go to the site, you will see the fortune cookie on the top right. Similar to my SNL random thoughts plugin, the cookie will give you a fortune every time you load the page. All I need now, are some funny fortunes. Leave your ideas in the comments of this post. Good ones will be featured on the site.

Today is Thursday, which means last night the ‘Big Stink’, a.k.a. the Beast of Nagelonia, brought home this week’s bootlegs, 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Tryin” and Peter Jackson’s “King Kong”.

King Kong

Spoiler Warning: If you don’t know how ‘King Kong’ ends, your a knob.

Peter Jackson is the same dude who made the “Lord of the Rings” movies. Apparently it is standard procedure in New Zealand to make every movie three friggin’ hours long. I don’t normally care how long a movie is, but in this case, I do. You don’t even get to see the Kongster until the end of the second hour, that is, if you are still awake. Good luck, I’d recommend an 8-ball and a Venti. However, once he takes the screen, Kong is pretty amazing. The best parts are the fight scene between Kong and three, what I can only assume to be, Tyrannosaurus Rexi and the scenes with Kong and his bitch (played by some Jude’s wife). The best of these scenes is when Kong reaches down to pimp-slap his trick and she smacks his finger. His reaction is priceless. In the end, the good old US military shoots the sheet out of Kong and he falls to his death, leaving a questionably shallow crater in the street. Not really worth buying, but if you can get a bootleg fast forward to 1:50:00 and enjoy.

Get Rich or Die Tryin

Spoiler Warning: He gets rich.

Curtis Jackson surprises the crowd by acting quite well in his debut movie. He performed way better than I expected anyway. The movie is not Jackson’s life-story, but it is about a crack dealer (Marcus) who becomes a gangster rapper (Young Caesar) after being shot in front of his Grandmama’s house. It should have been preceded by one of those “Law & Order” disclaimers about how “the following story is fiction and does not depict any actual person or event”. Although it is sensationally hyperbolized and includes homage to several real people in the rap/crack game, it seems to all fit together well. There are characters based on Lorenzo “Fat Cat” Nichols and Pappy Mason or Kenneth “Supreme” McGriff, as well as a studio shooting al-a Jam Master Jay’s murder and a rival “fake” rapper from the same neighborhood who has a beef with Young Caesar. There is also a jail scene depicting a prison shower brawl that is not easy to watch. Jackson is supported by an award-winning, or at least award-nominated, cast including Terrance Howard of “Hustle and Flow” fame. If you like rap music, gangster movies, or naked convicts, pick up “Get Rich or Die Tryin”.

What you should really do is get both of these movies, start them at the same time, but watch “Get Rich or Die Tryin”. When it’s over, switch to “King Kong” and you come in right before Kong appears on screen for the first time.

BTW – A third installment of the Caption Contest is coming soon. It will feature Condi, Colin and Rummy. After that, I’ll move on to celebrities and my friends and leave the politicians alone.

Swayze

Apparently police are searching for a Jamacian arsonist. This “cigarette”, presumed to be a member of the Cannibus Familia, a local crime syndicate, is wanted for questioning by the Jamacian authorities. Eyewitness testimony suggests that the suspect is short, skinny and white. The suspect is also know to go by the aliases, “pinner”, “preemo” and “stuffed toothpick”. After setting the blaze, the suspect seemed to “vanish into thin air”, according to an area janitor who was on his lunch break at the time of the incident. Police have warned the public to not approach the suspect, as he is believed to be still lit and tracking like a mutha. If you see the suspect, you are encouraged to call the police tip line @ 1-800-CATCH-A-J. Click the picture below for the whole story.

Remember when Issac Hayes quit South Park because they made fun of Scientology? (hint: it was only a few days ago) Well this has awoken Tom Cruise from his hyperbaric sleeping chamber. Cruise, knowing there is only room for one crazy Scientologist story on the front page, wasn’t going to let Issac keep the spotlight for long.

Comedy Central was supposed to re-air the “Trapped in the Closet” episode this week that caused Issac to quit. In a last minute move, they switched the episode. Variety is reporting that they made this switch based on threats made by Tom Cruise. That’s right folks, Tom Cruise is now (allegedly, don’t sue me Tom) controlling what you see on television. Variety claims that Cruise threatened to not promote his upcoming thriller Mission Impossible 3, which was made by the same parent company that controls Comedy Central, Viacom.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park, responded to this situation exactly as I had hoped/expected….mocking Scientology.(The following is from this CNN.com article)

“So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun,” the pair wrote.

“Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

I think the solution here is obvious folks. We all should convert to Scientology and appoint Tom Cruise to head up the newly created “sensitivity police”. This way we can all be sheltered from evils such as satire. You should think this over while watching “Risky Business”. All hail Tom!

I came across this picutre of our illustrious leader on Yahoo! and thought of a new type of post, the Caption Competition. Let the games begin:

I thought of a couple, see if you can top them:

1. “Check, Please?”

2. “One up for B.I.G.”

3. “Pull my finger” – that one was so obvious, I had to get it out of the way now.

4. “Shhhhh… He’s listening”

your turn…

In two seemingly unrelated events, disaster has struck my corner of the black hole that is television. First, in South Park news;

Issac Hayes, voice of the character “Chef”, has decided to part ways with Parker and Stone. Hayes, who was a part of many episodes of South Park that trivialized all sorts of religions, has decided to draw the line. Surprisingly, the line was drawn when they chose to attack his “religion”, Scientology. What a douche. At least this will free up his schedule so he can make the cast of Battlefield Earth 2.

In more important news, Peter Tomarken has died in a plane crash at the age of 63. You are probably asking yourself right now, “Who the hell is Peter Tomarken?” Does this help? Tomarken was the host of TV’s Press Your Luck, quite possibly the dumbest game show ever. As stupid as it was, it was strangely addicting.

The contestant would be put in front of a board of flashing lights and alternating cash and prize amounts. The viewer would get to watch the contestant under this intense pressure trying to convince themself that they would hit the magic button on “BIG BUCKS” and not on a Whammy. If you hit a Whammy, you lost your turn, along with all your money. There was really nothing to the game, but the enjoyment of seeing the failure of others was well worth my 30 minutes of attention. And remember that big controversy that some guy figured out the pattern and was unstoppable?

Oh, I almost forgot someone died. R.I.P Whammy man. You ran out of spins. Off to host a new game up in the sky where every item is “BIG BUCKS” and all the contestants are winners.

The SNL rap clique expanded this week, adding Natalie Portman to their roster. This trick’s only been a rapper for two days and already The Man is trying to shut her down:

“Lawyers for NBC televison network are seeking to have a Saturday Night Live parody rap video featuring actress Natalie Portman permanently removed from internet outlets that allow users to trade videos.

Portman performed a profanity-laced rap on Saturday, as she was the host of the long-running variety show. According to Fox News, the video received approximately 438,000 views on YouTube.com prior to being disabled on Monday.”

Well, bump that, I found the video and for those of you who were busy beating your wife, dog, or self Saturday night, click on the picture of the little boy below to see it.

I came across this in Google Video. It looks like the McDonald’s employees have a lot of time on their hands. At least they are not spitting in the burgers and peeing in the ice machine.

Number One: Kirby Puckett. R.I.P. fat man. The African-American population of Minnesota was cut in half this week when Kirby Puckett died from stroke complications. He was only 45.

Number Two: Barry Bonds Scandal Returns. Before the newest issue of Sports Illustrated, everyone knew he was a ‘roider but he could deny it. That time has passed. Now it is blatently obvious that ke took steroids, and did so knowingly.

Number Three: Canada Defeats U.S. in World Baseball Classic. I’m not really sure what this “World Baseball Classic” thing is, but the bottom line is that we lost to Canada in a sport that doesn’t involve overweight women and brooms.